A BIT OF HUMOR

HOW TO SIMULATE THE LIFE OF A SAILOR

~ Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six
months.

~ Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

~ Repaint your entire house every month.

~ Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so
that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

~ Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

~ Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep,
shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

~ Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, and
shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

~ Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a
day, whether it needs it or not. 

~ Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your
family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

~ Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having
steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get
to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or
hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

~ Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at
the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is
worst. January is a good time.

~ Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget-priced coffee grounds per pot, and
allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

~ Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

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The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

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